


The worst demon to bear

by StarryKnight09



Series: Febuwhump 2021 [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, FebuWhump2021, Gen, Irondad, Mind Control, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Not Avengers: Endgame (Movie) Compliant, Protective Tony Stark, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Has A Heart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-01
Updated: 2021-02-01
Packaged: 2021-03-12 18:33:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29140077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StarryKnight09/pseuds/StarryKnight09
Summary: Peter always thought of mind control as something that only happened in movies.  He should've known better, especially after all the craziness he'd already seen.  After it happens to him, he has to learn to live with the consequences.Febuwhump Day 1: mind control
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: Febuwhump 2021 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2138670
Comments: 21
Kudos: 162





	The worst demon to bear

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what I've gotten myself into but on a whim I decided to partake in Febuwhump this year! I'm considering 'whump' as both physical and emotional so there will be a mix of both, and obviously knowing me, it'll have an Irondad focus. I hope everyone enjoys reading as much as I enjoyed writing!

The sun sank down across the horizon sending out splashes of orange and red across the sky. Peter couldn’t appreciate the beauty of it. All he saw was another day fading away and darkness on the verge of encompassing everything. Not that it mattered. Even in the light of day, nothing seemed any brighter. Ever since what had happened a week ago, everything had lost its gleam. He knew everyone was worried about him, but he there wasn’t anything he could do about it. They'd all forgiven him. May. Mr. Stark. The Avengers. But he couldn’t forgive himself.

He’d killed people. Innocent people. So he didn’t deserve their forgiveness, no matter what anyone tried to say to convince him otherwise. 

Just because he’d been taken over and mind controlled by some black alien ooze, it didn’t give him a free pass for what he’d done under its influence. He’d only been in its clutches for a week, but that had been more than enough time to do some serious damage to the citizens of New York and Spiderman’s reputation. The Avengers had held a press conference and announced that it had been a copycat, and not Spiderman himself, who had committed the crimes, but not everyone seemed convinced yet. And Peter knew the truth. It had been him. But it’d been Venom at the same time.

Luckily, Mr. Stark had caught on quickly enough, and they’d all ganged up on him to take him in, because he definitely hadn’t gone willingly. But once they’d captured him, it hadn’t taken them too long to figure out the source of the problem and free him from its control.

He’d never forget the mixture of horror and absolute relief on Mr. Stark’s face when the black sludge had finally oozed out of him. Once it was gone, his mentor hadn’t treated him any differently than before, and it’d thrown Peter for a loop. Because he thought Mr. Stark should be disgusted and horrified by what he’d done, not still looking at him like some kind of proud dad. He shouldn’t want to have anything to do with him anymore. He should never want to speak to him again. But that’s not what happened.

Peter couldn’t handle everyone acting the same around him so he’d left the compound as soon as he could, like a dog with its tail between its legs, back to his apartment in Queens with May. Since he’d gotten back a few days ago, he’d refused to answer any texts or phone calls from Mr. Stark or any of the other Avengers. If they wouldn’t do the right thing and ignore him, then he’d just have to do their job for them. He didn’t deserve their forgiveness or their friendship anymore. And he didn’t deserve to be Spiderman. He hadn’t so much as touched the suit. He hadn’t even taken it with him when he’d left the compound, even though he’d healed up fine. A concussion from the battle, when Steve had landed a lucky strike while the Avengers had been fighting him, and ruptured ear drums from the sound waves when Bruce had finally cracked what they needed to do to get the alien creature to leave his body.

He was almost angry with how quickly he’d healed. His soul churned with agony, but physically, he remained unharmed. Outwardly no one could tell that he hurt so bad he didn’t know how he could keep on breathing. How he could keep on living.

It wouldn’t have been so bad if he couldn’t remember it. If Venom had just taken him over and he’d left the building. But he’d been there. He hadn’t had any control over his body, but he’d watched himself do despicable things. Take lives. Something he’d always promised he’d never ever do. No matter what. He didn’t know how to live with himself now.

He wasn’t even sure if he deserved to live. He swung his legs back and forth over the ledge of the building where he was perched. His webshooters rested in a box under his bed, so if he somehow slipped and fell, he’d plummet the entire forty stories to the ground. Not even Spiderman could walk away from that. The idea of jumping, barely a fleeting thought, entered his mind as quickly as it left, leaving a burst of adrenaline behind. No matter how much he might deserve it, he couldn’t jump. He could never do that to May. No, he’d spend the rest of his life suffering instead.

He blamed his dark thoughts for distracting him so he didn't hear the characteristic hum of thrusters until it was too late and Ironman landed with a clang behind him. He closed his eyes in resignation. He should’ve known Mr. Stark wouldn’t let Peter ignore him for long.

“Nice view.” Mr. Stark remarked, and even though Peter’s back was to him, he could tell the man had removed his helmet because his voice didn’t come out tinny.

Peter stayed silent. Dealing with Mr. Stark was the last thing he felt like doing. He just didn’t have the energy. Ever since he’d been freed from Venom, he’d barely slept and even when he had, he’d been awoken my nightmares. Memories.

Mr. Stark let out a small hum at the snub and Peter registered the barely audible buzzing as the nanotech retracted back into its casing.

“Talkative tonight, huh?” Mr. Stark said, this time from right behind him.

He still said nothing.

Mr. Stark sniffed, and in the next moment, hauled himself up on the ledge to sit next to him. Peter tensed imperceptibly, having to remind himself that even though Mr. Stark wasn’t wearing the armor, he’d have enough time to engage it and save himself even he accidentally slipped. But knowing it, and believing it, seemed like two separate things. Peter had been hyperaware of Mr. Stark and his safety for the past six months, ever since the man had barely survived the snap. That he had survived at all was thanks entirely to Dr. Strange’s quick teleporting and Shuri’s skills with Wakanda’s state of the art medical advancements.

“May called me.” Mr. Stark said after a long minute of silence had passed. “She’s worried about you.”

Peter kept staring straight ahead, face blank, not acknowledging the statement.

Mr. Stark sighed. “I’m worried about you.”

He tightened his jaw. He didn’t understand what they wanted from him. To act like none of this had happened? To go right back to living his normal life and acting like his normal bubbly self? Well, they were going to be disappointed.

“Kid, talk to me.” It came out like a plea. He’d never heard Mr. Stark use that tone before. His brow furrowed almost indiscernibly, not liking that he’d made his mentor sound like that.

“Pete.” Mr. Stark tried again, but Peter was nothing if not stubborn. There was nothing to talk about anyway. 

Mr. Stark let out another heavy sigh, and Peter could sense his frustration.

“Listen, I know I can’t say I know what it feels like, because I don’t. But kid, none of what happened was your fault.”

Peter flicked his eyes over to the man with a disbelieving frown. Of course it was his fault.

Mr. Stark gave him a self-satisfied smirk at having finally broken his stony indifference. Peter kind of wanted to hit him but he settled for a glare instead.

“I know. I know.” Mr. Stark continued. “You don’t believe me. It’s all your fault. You should’ve done better. Should’ve never let that alien psycho sludge thing take over you. You should’ve been able to fight it off. Blah blah blah.”

His anger flared as his mentor made light of some of the very thoughts that’d been buzzing through his mind. He couldn’t stop himself. His mouth opened unwittingly and he grit out, “You seem to get it, so I don’t know why you’re even here.”

“Ah there he is.” Mr. Stark smiled.

Peter rolled his eyes and tried to go back to ignoring the man, staring straight ahead as he stewed over the fact that he’d broken his silence.

“Peter.” Mr. Stark said, using his full name, which he almost never did. “Look at me.”

Peter glanced over at him. Even after everything he’d been through, after how much he’d grown up and matured, he still couldn’t ignore a direct order from the man. He wondered if that’d ever change. Mr. Stark turned and gripped each of his shoulders to make Peter face him head on.

“What happened was terrible. I know. But it wasn’t your fault.” Mr. Stark shook him slightly to exaggerate his words. “Nothing you did while under control of that thing was your fault.”

Peter scoffed and tried to twist away but Mr. Stark wouldn’t let him, his grip tightening. No matter what the man said, it sure felt like his fault. He’d witnessed everything, felt every movement the creature had made using his body. But he hadn’t been strong enough to break free, and people had died because of that.

“It wasn’t.” Mr. Stark said sharply as if he could read Peter’s mind. “You need to forgive yourself.”

A lump settled in his throat as he shook his head.

Mr. Stark sighed and his thumbs moved back and forth over his shoulders. “If it was me, if Venom had made me do those things, would you think it was my fault?”

He froze and contemplated it for a minute before begrudgingly shaking his head.

“Would you forgive me?” Mr. Stark asked.

“Of course.” He mumbled.

“Then why can’t you forgive yourself?”

“If it had been you, would you be able to forgive yourself?” He countered. 

“Yes.” Mr. Stark answered surprisingly fast. Peter blinked, shocked. He honestly hadn’t expected that answer, and it didn’t seem like the man was lying.

Mr. Stark gave him a soft smile as he explained, “Because I’d have to. To move on. To keep living.” 

Peter frowned as he considered the words.

Mr. Stark continued, “I’ve had to forgive myself for a lot of things over the years Pete. Probably a lot of things I didn’t deserve forgiveness for. But I had to. Because if I didn’t… Well, all I can say is, it’s hard to hold on to all that self-hatred. And it doesn’t do anyone any good in the end. Least of all yourself.”

Tears welled up in his eyes. He knew Mr. Stark was right. He didn’t want to carry these feelings of guilt and self-hate around forever, but he didn’t know how to stop.

“Come here.” Mr. Stark tugged him forward into a hug and Peter didn’t resist. The comfort of the embrace unleashed the dam on his emotions. He couldn’t help it. He started crying.

“You’re such an amazing kid.” Mr. Stark said into his hair, holding him tighter when he started crying. “And none of this was your fault, so you need to forgive yourself so you can move on.”

“I don’t know how.” He croaked. He didn’t. After talking to Mr. Stark, he wanted to, but he didn’t have any idea how to start. All the hatred and anger he felt toward himself was like a gaping pit of darkness seeded inside. He couldn’t just magically will it away.

“I’ll help you. Ok?” Mr. Stark answered. The man always had an answer for everything.

Peter sniffled but nodded in the embrace.

“It’s going to be ok kid.” Mr. Stark pressed a quick kiss into his hair. “I promise. It’s going to be ok.”

And for the first time in over a week, Peter let himself believe it.

**Author's Note:**

> In case anyone's curious, the title for this one-shot was inspired by this Nikita Gill poem:
> 
> Guilt is the worst demon to bear,  
> strangling you  
> from the inside of your body.
> 
> Apologise.
> 
> Make amends.
> 
> Let go.
> 
> _Breathe free._


End file.
